I Don't Want To!

My Husband died March 2020. It was a heart attack, and it was devastating. During that time, I had to do so many things I didn’t want to. It has been 22 months of doing hard things.

I did not want to:

· Walk out of the hospital and leave him behind

· Write an obituary

· Go to the viewing

· Not have a celebration of his beautiful life

· Sell his boat

· Move out of our home, create a new identity

· Give his clothes away

I am a princess and while married, Donnie made sure I did not have to do too many hard things. He did all the hard things. It’s true. I never lifted anything heavy, I never took the garbage out, I never had to face hard things without him. And so, this new reality was hard.

As I have moved through this 22 month, I realize that each hard thing I accomplished, I became stronger and stronger. Each day I was renewed by God’s strength by resting in him and total dependance on Him! I talked to Jesus all the time. I told him “I don’t want to do this”. He heard me and then gave me the strength to go through and make really hard decisions.

I still have thoughts about this, I don’t want to start a new year without him, I don’t want to plan my future without him, I didn’t want to launch this book without him. I think I will forever think about this.

But God, is so good to me. He is healing my heart and creating new paths and new friendships. He is showing me that I am strong... with him. I am exactly who he made me to be. He doesn’t make mistakes.

Isaiah 43 – The Message

But now, God’s Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob, the One who got you started, Israel: “Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you. I’ve called your name. You’re mine. When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. When you’re between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end— Because I am God, your personal God,

Doing hard things is hard. It’s uncomfortable. But I can see now how God says 'consider it pure joy, when you go through trials- because it produces endurance, and you will be ready for anything.'

(James 1).

I have been through many trials this last 22 months, how about you? I am grateful that I am getting stronger everyday. Seek Him through the storm. He is sure to answer.

Dear God, I don't want to do hard things, but I will if you want me to, if you think this is best for me, I will because I trust you.

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Deanna