Don’t leave me!

Don’t leave me

2 Timothy 1:7

New Living Translation

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Rejection and Fear

I keep saying to God " Don't leave me" desperate to make sure he doesn't stop taking care of me like he has done over the last 2 years. 23 months ago, I lost my husband to a heart attack. He was 52 years old. He was too young and healthy to go this soon. It has been a gut wrenching and absolute devastating two years. BUT GOD. He was with me all the way, he showed up in my dreams, in my bank account, in the people he sent in my life. It was all ordained and I see that ...as I look back at all the moments where I knew it was a miracle, it only had to be GOD. Jesus came to me in my most heart broken moments.

My Relationship with Jesus as grown deeper, and my life choices are all different now. I am a different person. Thank GOD for that. I find myself often praying " Don't leave me GOD" Don't Leave me Jesus" It is almost a desperation of asking God not to leave me. There is a slight feeling of fear I have in my heart like a small wind of fear that blows in my soul. I believe this is part of grief. After you experience giving someone you love CPR for 40minutes, after you beg GOD to make him get up, there is something in your brain that tells you - YOU are going to lose everything. It is PTSD.

I have been made whole again, by the Blood of the Lamb. Jesus died on the cross so that I would be whole, here on earth. I am whole. God wants me Whole. I have been healed from any PTSD from that moment. But I still beg God not to leave me. A prophetic man had visited our church and he prayed over me and the first thing that came out of my mouth was 'GOD don't leave me'. HE said to me." HE will never leave you, never"

I do believe him and know in my mind that he will never leave me. But I get this feeling of fear sometimes. I know that there is a longing in my heart to be closer to God now more then ever. Closer to Jesus. It is a desperate longing to know him at a greater depth. To never go back to living a lukewarm Christian life. I want to do more then just “Be nice" to people. I want to pray over people, and heal them, and encourage them. I want to spread the Word of GOD around; I want to teach people how GOOD my GOD is. I want to remind them that he is with us even when we don't feel it. God is so good to me. I have experienced it.

I remember Don (My late - husband ) and I would have lots of conversation about our relationship. And there were moments that I would feel rejected by him. He worked hard at trying to not make me feel that way. It was all my issues that's for sure. The best relationships are when the two work together for the good of the team. So, if Don would forget to call me after work, (he called regularly at the same time) I would feel rejected, and my mind would go places I should not have gone. Thinking things like - He doesn't love me anymore or he's found someone else, or he's tricking me. Self esteem much? Don would totally get it; he would make sure to tell me he loved me and that wasn't the case, and he would restore my faith in good things. These feelings came up unknowingly from me. I had not realized that I had rejection issues. When Don died, I had a dream that he didn't die he left me for another woman. That's how deep rejection has been for me.

I don't want to bring this fear and rejection stuff into a new relationship. I want to be better at relationships now, God has given me a second chance, well more like a Third chance.... long story. I want to be a woman that is whole, that can understand when I feel fearful of losing something and rejected and know that this is not the truth! So, I will seek God’s word in all I do. I will seek the truth. I want to be better. I know as I fill my mind and heart with his word and prayer time, I will rise above these feelings of rejection and fear. I am still a WIP ( Work in Progress) - How about you?

Read

Hebrews 4:12 New Living Translation

For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.

Isaiah 41:17

Deuteronomy 31:8

Joshua 1:9

Jeremiah 1:4-10

Pray

Dear Lord of all my life, I know that you have called me by my name, and you have chosen me for such a time as this on this earth. Lord, I know you will never leave me, so I will rest on the word of GOD, that tells me “Do not fear” and “You will never leave me or forsake me”. I have lived through a lot in this life, and I know that I would never have gotten to be who I am today without the Mercy and Goodness of you God. Lord I believe in you. I believe you are who you say you are, and I believe that you will do what you say you will do. I love you Lord.

Sing

Jireh – Elevation Worship

Another in the fire – Hillsong United

We Praise You - Bethel Music