Chapter 5

C H A P T E R 5 Riding the Storm in the Rivers of Life “There were times when I would go through massive waves of grief… I just had to ride it out. When they subsided,it led to an expansion of heart, a deeper way of relating to life and those I love.” - BENJAMINALLEN Wednesday, April 22, 2020 I am evidence that Don was here on earth. Saturday, April 25, 2020 God, I trust you. Help me let go. I am having trouble letting go of his things. I am angry, too. I am alone in this. I must do it. I must grieve with love, not always pain. Wednesday, May 5, 2020 Oh God, what is next? Do I sell the house, the boats, the trucks? I feel like I should be doing something, but I do not know what. God, I am torn with wanting to stay here and wanting to go. God I am asking you: if I must go, will it be to something amazing? Friday, May 7, 2020 I am so sad. I miss you so much, Don. I am lonely. I hate saying goodbye to all the things .I watched your boat leave today.(It was taken by a friend to sell.) My heart ached and I felt physically ill. I do not feel like doing today. I am so frustrated.

Monday, May 10, 2020 I feel like I am losing everything. Everything we were building together. It hurts even more. God, the only thing I have is to trust You. I have nothing left. I trust You for my new home, I trust You for finances; that I will have whatever I need. I trust You for a job. I trust You will sell everything. Wheream I headed? My heart felt like I was losing everything, though my mind knew God would take care of me. I told my sister this and she said, “Well, you are - you are losing everything.” Her wisdom and friendship has surpassed anything I have known, and our family is blessed to have her in our lives. I would not be who I am today without her. I lost my husband, my marital status, my best friend, and then to top it off, I lost all the things that were important to Don too. He had a big twenty-six-foot cabin cruiser boat that was his pride and joy. I loved going on it. I would read while he would catch fish and fry them up right there on the boat. We had some beautiful memories on that boat - even if I just sat in the sun and read while he jumped around catching fish! He would say, “Want to reel this one in, babe?” Sometimes I would, sometimes I would not. Donnie would ask me what I was reading and let me read it to him. We would have some of our best conversations on that boat. I read marriage books and all sorts of self help books. He loved sharing his stories and listening to my experiences. That is the glue that held us together, it was my most loved thing about our relationship. The way we shared and talked. I loved that about Donnie, he was always up for a good conversation. When I listed the boat to sell it, I felt sick. I prayed that there would be a buyer. I had to move, and I needed the financial support. I needed that money to survive. Also - what am I going to do with a twenty-six- foot cabin cruiser boat that weighs over 10,000 pounds? Along came a few buyers but no-one took the plunge. Then at exactly the right time, along came a man who loved fishing just as much as Don did. ‘Todd’ came out to the property three times. Each time we had a drink and toasted Don. He let me tell him fishing stories and I showed him pictures. When he took the boat, he reached out and hugged me. I felt that he would love the boat and enjoy fishing on it as much as Don did. Todd promised he would take me fishing next summer after he had updated it. We are still in contact to this day. While I had prayed for a buyer, deep down I had specifics of who I wanted to buy the boat. I never told anyone - but God knew. He knew exactly what I needed to let the boat go. I needed a connection with whoever bought the boat. I needed to know that it was going into good hands. I needed to know that the family would love fishing as much as Don did. The boat sold in September, in Alberta, Canada, which is unheard of around here in this cold climate, especially for a boat that size. This is one of the many miracles I experienced this year. I can only say this is from God. God cares about all of it. God was in it all. It only happened because God let it be. I dove into the hurt and sadness and felt every single bit of it even when I watched the boat leave. It was painful but, in the end, there was a peace I never felt before. It was exactly as it should have been. I felt that. The following summer I received a video of the boat going into the water for the first time and running through the lake. The sound of the two powerful inboard motors made me cry, but then I smiled, knowing that the boat was exactly where it should be. God is good. The Storm of 2016 During the summer of 2016 my family rented a house-like cabin at a lake close to all of our family here in Alberta. We would spend the summer there, going back and forth as we all had jobs and other things going on. It was wonderful. Don was so excited and being the main barbecuer and fishing captain. He brought both his big boat and smaller smoker craft ( fishing boat). My dad decided we should have a family fishing competition, so Don went and bought a fishing trophy for our family. I will never forget those summers. He was so happy to be taking us all fishing. These were his passions - family and fishing. It was a warm day, but it was a bit smokey from wildfires, so it was hard to see the sky. We all headed out to do some boating and fishing. We had been out many times before. Over time as family members would get off the boats, the life jackets ended up coming back to the cabin instead of staying on the boats. We did not know it then, but we had only one lifejacket on the big boat, and one on the smoker craft. It was sunny and calm. We were just going out for an hour, but it was starting to sound like the show Gilligan’s Island. A three-hour tour? Wait- we live in Alberta where the weather changes in the blink of an eye (literally), and sure enough the weather did turn. The winds came in quickly. The little boat, had three people in it - my sister, her husband, and my dad. They could not navigate the incredibly high waves and had to take cover further down the bay at another boat launch that was surrounded by rocks. It was terrifying. My mom and two nieces were with Don and I on the big boat. Since it was such a big boat, we could not go into the closest dock because the waves would have pushed us into the rocks. We had to head back to the main dock. Don had to navigate each wave as it came. We were in a twenty six- foot cabin cruiser and the waves were so high they went over our boat. We could not see anything around us except for the water rising and falling. We were soaked. We had only one life jacket and I was completely freaked out. Don was calm. He would skillfully power the motor up on the top of each wave, moving us in the direction of the bay. I had my niece pushed into a corner protecting her, while my mom had the life jacket on and my other niece was down in the galley. We could not see the land or dock; we could only see water as we headed back in the direction of the main dock. There were moments we had to go in the opposite direction of the dock, at an angle with the wind so we would not tip over. It was completely terrifying to feel myself move in the wrong direction when all I wanted to do was get back to shore. But Don reassured us it had to be done for our safety. If we had headed directly into the waves, we would have surely tipped. We zigzagged one way and then another, each time moving a little bit closer to our dock. It took about thirty minutes (maybe forty-five minutes)to get there. It felt like a lifetime, but Don knew what he was doing. We made it back to the dock. Of course, we did: Don was our captain. I cannot tell you how much this last year has felt exactly like that experience in the boat. When the waves are so high you cannot see the shore, it is devastating. It takes everything to catch your breath. But when you are on the top of the wave and the powerful twin engine boat rides the wave, it feels like you are stronger, getting closer to your dock. We were thrown up, down and side to side, but because we had a good captain, we made it to shore safely. Here I am in this storm now and I have no choice but to ride it, even when I cannot see. I feel everything, but I am healing. I will allow my Lord and Jesus Christ to be the captain of my ship. I am thankful He knows what He is doing. There are moments that I feel like I am heading in the right direction, and I feel strong. Then there are other days where I feel like the storm has me cornered with no way out; I feel like I am drowning. Drowning in the pain and loss. We had to go through that storm to get back to shore. We had to ride at the bottom of those massive waves and then again at the top. This is like the highs and lows when you are in the midst of grief and loss.

There are times I feel like I will never make it through the pain- but I am making it! Once you experience getting to shore after a storm, you realize the truth: it had to be done that way. When you’re in the storm, you don’t understand why this is happening, but when you get to shore and look back, sometimes it all comes together. I am thankful that Don was our captain that day. We all got back to the cabin and my dad asked, “What did we learn from this?” I know what the biggest lesson was for me: make sure you have life jackets! And never go on a boat that Don is not the captain of! A little drastic I know, but it was my truth. I do not know where I am going, or what my future holds, but I will trust that God knows exactly what is going on. And, honestly, I am not sure I will get on any boat of which Don is not the captain. A few years later, Don told me that when he left to be alone after reaching the dock, he wept and thanked God that we were all okay. He felt responsible. He loved my family fiercely and would never let anything bad happen to any of us. He held it together perfectly during the storm but then fell apart afterward, thankful that Jesus got us through. I loved that about Donnie. He was strong and calm for all of us, and was always real when he was talking to God. He had a beautiful heart. Look at this verse: Isaiah 43: 2 “When you go through deep waters, I will be with you, when you go through rivers of difficulty you will not drown.” The deep waters were all around us, but we got on top of it and rode right through. I heard a quote the other day from a Benjamin Allen podcast. He has been through extremely difficult grief as well, but is hopeful when he speaks. He said, “All those rivers end up in the ocean of healing.” (www. theafterloss.com/podcast) Whatever river you are in - anger, depression, hurt, loneliness, sadness - promise me that you will keep moving forward. I believe you will end up in the ocean of healing. I have experienced it. Sometimes in life we must dive in and ride the river- we must feel the pain. Honestly, it really sucks, but you will eventually get to shore. It only matters who your captain is. Isaiah 30:18-21 “So the LORD must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the LORD is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help. O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. He will be gracious if you ask for help. He will surely respond to the sound of your cries. Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, “This is the way you should go,” whether to the right or to the left.”

HOPE IN THE WORD

Isaiah 46:10

Psalm 56:8

1 John 5:14 & 15

WORSHIP IN THE STORM

Oceans(WhereFeetMayFail)–TaylorMosby